Productivity and its connection to my self-worth.
9.3.20
It was a beautiful Sunday. The birds were gently chirping, the cicadas were lazily humming and the leaves of the trees were rustling in the wind. I stood outside, in my backyard, staring at the wetland in the distance. The sun rays bounced off the water causing the it to shimmer like stars. It always reminds me of the scene in Martin Scorsese’s 1992 period drama ‘The Age Of Innocence’, in which hopeless admirer Newland Archer ( Daniel Day-Lewis) yearns after Countess Ellen Olenska ( Michelle Pfeiffer) at a distance while she stands at a pier with the glistening ocean surrounding her. The world around me was bewitching yet an empty black ravine pervaded my chest. I felt like a stone statue decaying in the sunlight after standing in the ground for a hundred years. I had been feeling like this ever since I was removed from reality in March and placed in isolation confined solely to my home.
The Age Of Innocence (1993)
dir. Martin Scorsese
I had been stripped from engaging with the contemporary world built by a capitalist ideology which, as the days go by, diminishes my self-worth.
For the longest time, through months and months of living under quarantine, I have been experiencing surges and recessions of my emotions. In one moment, I would be content with the reality of my life, the next I feel absolutely fatigued. After I had finished my first semester of an online university, I had a month’s vacation. I was freed of the countless assignments, lectures and meetings and I could finally catch my breath. It felt as if I had been inside a box for six months waiting for the time I could finally open the hatch to inhale fresh air. With the vacation commencing, I had planned out personal tasks to increase my own knowledge on certain subjects. Such as reading up on screenwriting, watching classes on filmmaking and analysing movies. At first, I was hitting strides, but the endless days spent in my house I started to lose momentum. I lost energy and receded from interactions. It caused me to become quite agitated with myself and my own family. Small things would annoy me, I lost interest in simple pleasures and my sense of self-worth declined. I slowly started to realise that I placed a lot of pressure on myself. I had forced myself to carry out the momentum from my first semester into my holiday in order to stay productive. If I hadn’t watched a class or read my book I would feel guilty. This constant craving to stay productive started to take an immense toll on my mental health.
The pandemic has caused a dramatic stagnation of the system that runs our modern economy. Although the tendrils of capitalism are still prevalent due to economies in desperate need to stay afloat, quarantine has caused a jarring disconnect from the establishment. The tempo of modern society has greatly decreased, causing a standstill for the majority of the population. Quarantine has left ample time for a vast number of the population. ( Discounting the unbelievable and heroic work of essential workers) Feelings of guilt and uselessness have undoubtedly sprung up due to the amount of time perceived to be wasted. In her article, /The Productivity Obsession/ Melissa Gregg quotes: ’’ A century ago, [Max Weber] identified the Protestant ethic driving the spirit of capitalism, and the belief that the “waste of time is the first and in principle the deadliest of sins.” With the disengagement from society, my productivity levels have swiftly diminished. I feel as if I’m floating in a void up in outer space. I feel like I can’t do anything that aligns with the /spirit of capitalism/.In the world before, I would actively participate in the system by fooling myself that I’m productive solely because my schedule is packed. I would buy unnecessary things, partake in trivial pursuits and keep busy just to feel more ‘productive’. Now that I can’t conduct my routine from before, I feel worthless. The constant need for consumption and production to feel a sense of value is propagated directly from the ideals of capitalism. In other words, productivity is this tool created by capitalism to measure one’s worth.
I had come to realise that capitalism was a sort of dealer in which productivity was this powerful drug that presented people with an insatiable amount of self-importance. Once this was stripped away, the withdrawal from productivity came in the form of feeling worthless. I had come to realise that only you should be allowed to dictate your own sense of self-worth. It’s okay to be lazy, unmotivated and unproductive. We’re living under a pandemic, global turmoil and every day we’re exposed to disturbing news. It’s a difficult time for everyone. Ever since I started to give myself space by treating myself with care, taking it slow and keeping healthy I’ve noticed a significant increase in my overall wellbeing. Although from time to time, I still struggle with coming to grips with this notion, I feel as if a weight has been taken off my back. However, seeking help due to harmful behaviours and unhealthy tendencies should be normalised as everyone’s journey is not the same. For some, productivity and keeping busy may be an answer, but guilt-tripping others who are not able to cope is not a perception to withhold. So, although I have been stripped from engaging with the contemporary world built by capitalist ideology, I had slowly realised that I’m responsible for determining my own self-worth.
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